I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
