R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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