Betty ford says i'm here all night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
