I need to stop coming to work sober
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
