My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
