There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
