how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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