I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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