this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
