i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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