I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You are the jesus of drinking
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
