I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
