Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize