Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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