before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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