32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
