I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
