my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize