The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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