He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
