Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize