High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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