I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
