why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
