you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
