My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
vagina is talking i cant
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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