I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
