My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We just shotgunned beers for America
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
