ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He felt like a one man threesome
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
