so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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