just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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