This is not my ceiling
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
