Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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