Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize