Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize