I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
