She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize