"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I look better un-naked...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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