Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
