Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
