When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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