I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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