he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
