I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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