Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
