walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
