Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
