I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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