and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
