I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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