i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
