dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
