the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
