Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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