Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
