dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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