I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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