just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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