We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
