you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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