The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he just fucked me for my cheese..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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