I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Randomize
