He had one of those small greek statue penises
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
