$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
