Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
