Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
