I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
