do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
